This is MY STORY
My life has not been an easy one, born February 8, 1972. We ALL have a story to tell. I have been trying to figure out ways to shorten this, my story. I ramble a lot so please bear with me.
When we grow in our mother’s womb it is safe, warm, loving … what happens when you exit that warm, safe, loving location.. HELL!
REMEMBER THESE WORDS as you continue to read..
YOU DO NOT LIVE THERE ANYMORE
ONLY YOU CAN CHANGE WHAT YOU BECOME!
I did not grow up what I/you would call a traditional home, father, mother, brother, sister. Our parents had their own issues. They started too young, to be honest to this day, I really do not know the truth about what happened, nor do I really care to know. Our parents could not raise their 3 children, we were taken away.
Someone once asked me, “Marisol, what do you remember as a little girl?” What are your memories? Were any of them happy?”
The only happy memory I have is a bike ride with my dad.
My other memories, not so happy, to this day these memories are so clear, sitting on the refrigerator eating sugar and toilet paper. Yes, you read that correctly. Being placed in a foster home. One good thing that came out of that is that my siblings and I got to remain together. After 40 some years I ran into the daughter of our foster mother. I do not recall much just that we were all together.
My siblings and I were adopted. Without going into lots of details let me just say this, the need for acceptance becomes much worse. I was then sexually and physically abused.
I drank alcohol, a lot. I used drugs, a lot. Alcohol whatever was there. Drugs; marijuana, cocaine, shrooms. The alcohol and drugs numbed the darkness, and made me happy. Of course, we all know that eventually when the buzz or the high goes away, so does the happiness. Then you are far worse off than you were once you started into your dismal abyss.
I searched for happiness in ALL the wrong places, with ALL the wrong people.
Then I got married and had 3 beautiful children. I was happy for a while but then the devil started to whisper in my ear. You are ugly, you will never amount to anything, you are worthless. Then the drinking, partying, not going home at night starts again. I put my kids through what I was going through. I never stopped loving them. I just did not know how to love myself. Yet still, I was in search of acceptance, love, someone to trust. Never realizing that I had already had it. BUT not in myself.
Marriage # 2.
Let me just say I received bi-weekly ass beatings! I was physically and emotionally abused. I wanted to die! I wanted him to die! By this time, my PTSD was raging! My depression had become so bad I was starting to hear voices, “that big brown bear” nothing mentally inside my head that was making sense. I was messed up. Physically, emotionally, mentally. I felt dead. I tried committing suicide. Then I remembered my children. What would happen to them if I were no longer here. I suffered so much guilt with what I had put them through.
I felt Marriage # 2 was payday for all the bad things I had done in my past, to myself, my children. I spent almost a month on and off at the Crisis Response Center-CRC. Put on medications that only put a band aid over the pain but did not fix me.
Then one day I fell to my knees and prayed for GOD'S help realizing that marriage partner #2 was just as broken as I was. I left, marriage # 2
Afterwards I went through some intense counseling with programs at SACASA & EMERGE.
I stopped using drugs. I still do drink on occasion. I used to stop and think of all the bad things that happened in my life, never stopping to think of all the good things I have done. All my accomplishments. My children, grandchildren.
That devil is a sneaky liar and if you allow him, he will try to steal your happiness.
I remarried, again, yes, again. Is life “PERFECT?” Life never is, we all know that. BUT I now know how to cope and handle life. I am no longer that gypsy on the run. I have found peace, stability, and love. I am still a little broken. I still have trust issues. I feel the safest at home. I do not have many friends. I still struggle with that little girl who is looking for acceptance but then I stop and remember I can NEVER find these things in another person. These things must be found within myself and YES within GOD.
I have some great people on my side, many angels I have met along the way. Without many of them I would not be where I am at today. To them, I thank you.
To my babies and grand babies, my husband, you are my life…
To my brothers and sister...you are my rocks!
To GOD you are my SALVATION!