I have all these epiphanic moments as I drive in silence to some destination or another. It is during the drives when I start to doubt that the efforts, I did to help my son were all in vain. I start to feel the dark guilt and pain consume my heart and mind. I question just why my love…why the love of a mother, was simply not enough to help him get healthy…why my love was not enough to encourage my son to come home to me healthy and whole.
I started to wonder why that one ingredient was not enough. Then I wondered what we need to help others…those other kids who were still struggling with their addiction. How many mothers, fathers, sisters, aunts sit in disbelief wondering what to do to help their child? Second-guessing whether their love was enough or not? Was their love not enough? How many of us still sit with the guilt in our hearts and wonder…did I not love you enough? Was my tough love, too tough?
Then it hit me…you see, it was as if someone removed that burned out bulb and screwed in a fresh new light bulb that illuminated my grief so brightly that it made me realize that no matter how much I loved my son, it would not matter until he loved himself just as much. Not to say that he did not care about himself, because there were moments when he proved he did. But in helping others, including my boy, one cannot get well until they start seeing themselves through God’s lens of love. I cannot continue to beat myself by wondering if he knew or did not know whether I loved him enough; because I am confident that he knew I did. He was my baby boy…my son…my first love.
I know that I will always feel the loss of my baby boy…I know that I will second-guess myself every now and then…but for today, the loud pulsating thumping that beats clearly from my heart reminds me that I truly loved him. I loved him with a love that God can only teach me…I love him with an unconditional Agape love. I loved you then, I love you still…always have and always will. There is no greater gift than that.
“And now abide faith, hope, love, these three; but the greatest of these is love.” 1 Corinthians 13:13