As I put one foot in front of the other…push through my daily tasks and place that smile on my face so that some light shines through…my heart breaks. Yes, I try to remain the “strong” woman/mother/ friend/aunt/sister that I have always been – yet know that losing a child has broken me more than any other heartache ever has, ever will.
For most of you that knew the relationship I had with my son, it was tenuous to say the least. But not because I didn’t love him…it’s because I loved him with every fiber within me. I wanted and dreamt the best of the world for him. The moment I felt his first kick in my belly…the first moment I got morning sickness, and throughout my entire pregnancy, I should have known that he would be my spark. Not to say my other babies aren’t, because they are; but my Squiggy…well he was such a loving, extremely smart, my first-born/first true love and caring soul type of boy/man. He was tormented by things that not even the love of a mother could cure. But just like those entire 9 months of morning sickness, he sure did know how to push my buttons – he made me laugh, cry, angry and still love him just like I did when I felt his first little foot pushing through my stomach.
As his birthdate approaches, he will never get to experience another pivotal milestone…the decade milestone of turning 30 years old. He will forever be 29 years young. What I wouldn’t do to hear him say…Ma, Ma, Mamaaa, Ma, Ma, Mammmaaaa and me tell him to stop being so annoying…just one more time.
I know you are not suffering anymore baby boy…but my heart aches so much for your big annoying hug and contagious laugh.
Momma loves you…to infinity and beyond.