Updated: Mar 10, 2021
I wanted to say something about you the other day, but I just couldn’t. All the years I grew up without either parent I never worried too much because I always knew I had you by my side. It’s weird not to have that comfort anymore. You were like my security blanket growing up, and I guess I never realized that you still were even in my adult life. There were times when we’d be so mad at each other, but whenever either of us needed anything we knew we could still count on one another. I’m going to miss having that, I’m going to miss having you in my physical life. I keep saying, “I don’t have a big brother anymore.” Which I guess is partly true. . You were the oldest, but somehow I always got stuck with taking care of you lol.
I could spend my whole lifetime trying to explain to others that you weren’t just an addict. That so much that happened in our lives changed you, and you didn’t know how to cope. You were a good person, but you just had struggles like everyone else. They were just different. You were the most caring, non-judgmental person I’ve ever had the pleasure of knowing. I met some of your friends recently too, and it felt good to know that you were the same person all across the board no matter what.
It’s hard for me to explain to other people the gaping hole that you left behind in my heart. Anytime I think about you not being here, and wishing you were is selfish on my end. Selfish, because I know you weren’t always happy, and carefree. Selfish, because I know heaven is far more beautiful than any other place here on earth. Selfish, because I know you’re not being tormented anymore. It breaks my heart knowing that you were alone, and I don’t think I’ll ever find comfort seeing and knowing that.
I hope that your story can change the outcome of someone else’s. You always talked about change, and how you hoped and longed for it. This may not have been the change we all expected, but I’m praying that I find peace in hoping this is good change. I’m so thankful for the time we spent here together. I only got one older brother in life, and I can’t wait for the day I get to see you again. So I can hear your voice, and see a healthier happier version of yourself. So we can laugh hysterically about all of our old jokes/memories, so I can catch you up on how big the kids have gotten etc.
You know you try not having any regrets in life, but people don’t know it’s the regrets that come after someone’s life ends that hurt the most. If I could bring you back to the last day that I saw you I would’ve hugged you, and not been so annoyed. I would’ve apologized for the week before, and I know you would have forgiven me, and told me that you understood. I wish I would’ve just called to randomly check in. You never know when your last time is actually going to be the last time..
I will never be the same without you. I just hope I can learn how to cope with your loss over time. I’m so, so glad to have grown up with you and to have had you in my life for so long. Thank you God, thank you for continuing to watch over my brother while he gets to experience his new life.
Thank you Brother for the lessons I never actually knew were lessons. Thank you for all of the laughs, and memories I never thought I needed. All of the voicemails that I’m so glad I kept so I can hear your voice when I need to be strong. I appreciate everything you did for me, and will continue to do for me. We’re one day closer to laughing, and being together again.