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You are everywhere and yet...

As I wake up and fall asleep, I see you. Your amazing smile…that little “trouble-making” glint in your eyes…the sadness and pain that you hide deep within your humor, your nonchalance, your loneliness. When I commence my day…either in my car…on my home/work desk…you are there...and are not.

It makes me really sad because there were times when we didn’t even know where you were; who you were with; were you safe; had you eaten; did you have a place to sleep…there were days, weeks, and at times, months when no one knew where you were, or how you were doing.

The saddest part of losing you was there were many moments when your mind was “lost” and then there were others when we would be blessed with the most beautiful glimpse of the son I cherished so much. I by no means say I didn’t always cherish you, because I truly did…but I did NOT like the addiction…the thief of all your dreams, hopes, wishes. That part of your illness I despised so much.

As I continue trying to learn how to navigate through life without you here…without hearing your voice…fighting with you…listening and admiring your intelligence and quick-witted comebacks…I can’t help to feel moments of guilt because I took for granted not seeing you more…not calling and checking on you more often…but the worst part is expecting that you would always come back home to your momma.

Son…I can help but wonder why you choose some songs that you did…specifically, where do I hide my heart…when you are no longer here…where is my rationality….although I have unlimited air, honestly I cannot breathe without you….I’m sorry I took for granted your absence and your presence.

I love you always…mom

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